Prabhu, eccentric, but with his eccentrism completely natural Indian artist, who has been living in Pokhara for almost one year, is telling me: „It was happening to me that everybody was asking me the same questions: What is your name? And where do you come from?
My smile. It reminded me shouting Indians, asking me these and other strange questions, mostly about my family and whether I am married or not and so on.
„So I started to ask my own questions.“
„What is your dream?“
I am answering, slowly, while looking at moving clouds on the sky.
„I..I don’t know. I feel that things are the way they should be, I have probably learned to accept what is happening and learned to not have unnecessary expectations. I don’t have dream which would be above this all. I don’t want to rush in fulfilling one dream and thus not to see what’s happening, right now.“
„And what was your dream when you were thirteen years old?“
„I wanted to be a marine biologist, to swim with dolphins, orcas and sharks“.
Carefully treated moustache has gently lifted up. That’s Prabhu’s smile.
„I think, therefore, that my dream is to be with nature“, I continue, while I am gazing at Annapurna range, which emerges just for a few seconds out of the clouds, „with nature in any of its form“.
„Do you have a fear?“
„I am lucky that I don’t have any, which would limit me somehow. I don’t understand the fear from flying – it is just a beautiful feeling to go somewhere far beyond, isn’t it? I don‘t understand the fear from spiders and snakes – they are just perfect creatures and their only „sin“ is that they are not similar to human beings. I don‘t understand the fear from heights – your trembling legs are just reminding you how beautiful is to see the world from above, differently than usually.”
I look at Prabhu’s face, but I can hardly look into his eyes, they are hidden behind stylish sunglasses.
”But I have one. I am afraid I’ll lose my family.”
“Why should you lose it?”
“Because I know I will lose it one day. So, I don’t even know whether I should call it fear. I should rather call it a feeling, or a reminder, to understand every time again and to forget that the time we have, we have to use properly and fully. The loss will come naturally. It is a sign of the natural cycle of life and death, which I accept and I am not building up any resistance to it. So it is not the fear I want to fight with. It is rather a feeling that tells me that I have to live here and now and that I should always consider the time with my beloved ones as unique”.
But you can not really lose someone.
I’m still far away. I am still in Nepal.
I know it is time to move. Go back to India. There is one challenging task, which I know already, waiting for me. Well, and also many unknown. Beautifully unknown. I also washed my backpack. Partly because it really deserved to be cleaned after ”I rode on it” in the tractor trailer, while the tractor took us over Maure Lagna pass. It survived this ride with many dirty wounds, but my butt was saved that time thanks to it. Well, and partly I cleaned it as a ritual. So I can start a new part of my journey clean again and I have feeling that I am starting from home again. Since returning from mountains I have lived with my friends place at their place in Pokhara for longer time. We actually don´t feel I am guest here, I think we just are together here, so naturally. Yet finally, I have bought a flight ticket from Nepal at the last day of my Nepalese visa.
Even though I’m far away, I feel like at home.
In the middle of the mountains. Mountains as high as you probably can not imagine.
And the energy of the mountains.
Vibrant, disarming any resistance to accept things as they are, and multiplying my senses. I don’t know if you can imagine it.
And interviews with them that you definitely can not imagine. Because neither I myself could have imagined this before.
Yes, I miss my friends, whom I left home. I think of them many times. I miss my family. My parents.
But I’m calm. The fact that I miss them is just the feeling that I care about them. And that I know I want to devote their time. When I come back one day.
Well, I know I’m carrying them all with me. Someone could understand this as a burden that we carry on our shoulders, an “attachment”. Buddha says we have to get rid of it. But now I do not mean this kind of burden of bonds.
I carry the love that somebody gave me. I carry the knowledge that someone has passed to me. I carry the happiness because somebody has delighted me with. I carry the wounds, with which somebody opened my eyes. That’s how I carry people with me.
And I also carry my parents in myself. I see them in a way how I behave, I see them, because I do things as I was thought and raised. Well, unlike other parents, they did not teach me to see the world as they see it. They taught me to watch, yes, but they let me see thing as I want to see. It’s my world.
So wherever I do a step, at least three of us do that step.
No, I’m not dependent on anyone, I can take care of myself alone. Especially thanks to the Swiss knife that my father gave me 🙂
I do not call them with tears to help me while I am on my way.
Even though I know I could! At any time. And they would be here for me.
Thanks to them I can go alone.
So, finally, I am asking my own questions to my self:
“Where does the self-confidence of your personality spring from?”
From knowing that however you decide, you will always be right. If you learn to accept that everybody makes sometimes mistakes. The mistakes are actually not bad, though. And I would not even call them mistakes, they are rather decisions, which value we can not understand immediately, only later. Really bad is to not understand this.
It springs from knowing that it doesn’t matter who become, no one can judge, as far as you are just yourself.
It springs from knowing that I’m really loved for who I really am. And it doesn’t matter how I am. I can be emotional or rational, spontaneous or stiff. I can run like a wild horse or spread the raven wings and look at the world with a wise look. I can walk alone in the night, just like a wolf with a nose at the ground, and choosing which traces I will follow and which I will not follow. I can be any, but I’m still loved. And this is regardless meeting of the image of a daughter that other parents could dream of and force me to become it.
But I was not forced by anyone. Someone just always combed my chestnuts-brown mane – to let it blow in the wind while I will be running in the prairies. Someone taught me how to treat my feathers, to let them shine with a metallic-blue, so I can fly safely and even further than where I would have myself courage. Someone taught me how the gray-blue eyes can see in the moonlight. And someone taught me to recognize which smell is good and that bad.
Confidence springs from a healthy family.
And my second question.
“And where does your path lead?”
But, do you really need to answer it? You are now taking a step. So look at where you are stepping now. You can avoid the beetle, which you would otherwise step on. And you can see if you are walking on the path, where traces of others are already, or if you are walking on your own way.
No matter where does it lead.